[Goldie] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
My parents died in a car crash when I was ten.
You were so brave and honest up there.
Too bad you couldn't have wedged "funny" in there somewhere.
It's a work in progress.
Hey, I thought what you did took a lot of balls.
Hey, why don't you save your two cents for your waitress' tip?
- What did Goldie say? - She says you're not ready.
How about a shine, my brother?
Are we talking about your shoes or your dick?
[laughter]
- I'm being serious, Carl. - My hands are tied.
You are, like, the worst fucking manager ever.
You know that, right?
You have five seconds to bust my balls
or I'm gonna kick the fuck out of each and every one of you.
Bill, I'm really sorry... that you can't return that suit.
Got to love the comedian, but to be honest,
I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend.
Goldie, why am I here?
I guess it's because you know when to shut the fuck up.
♪ jazz music ♪
- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -
[Edgar] Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right.
Tell your face.
[laughter]
[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
[wild laughter]
[Adam] I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad was in the business...
of breaking shit.
[laughter continues]
[Cassie] Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.
[laughter]
[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
[laughter and applause]
[distant laughter]
[applause]
_
[laughter]
What did I tell you? This?
♪ I flew to the corner ♪
Who do you like Saturday?
Riggs? King?
"Battle of the Sexes"?
[scoffs]
Can't say I give a shit.
Thanks, Goldie.
[Eddie] So when I turned 19
and still hadn't had sex,
my friends were like, "Hey, Eddie, come on, man.
For only $15, you can be worldly like us."
[laughter]
So, after the constant hounding and peer pressure,
I gave in.
I said that I'd see a prostitute,
but she had to be Jewish.
[laughter]
Now, there are certain things we Jews don't really excel in.
Professional sports, farming,
and prostitution.
'Cause Jewish women who have sex for money
were very hard to find because they all retire
immediately after marriage.
[laughing]
My father said that when he saw my mother,
he went up to her brother and asked if his sister was free.
And he said, "No.
But she's reasonable."
[laughter]
All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a slightly above-average crowd.
Good night.
[whistling]
Whoo!
[Edgar] Keep it going for Eddie Zeidel!
Good.
So funny.
Yeah, Goldie thinks he's the next Carlin.
I can see that.
Mm-hmm.
[indistinct chatter]
- Sweetheart. - Sid.
Can't stop counting your money for a sec to say hello?
What do you want, Sid?
Hey, ever notice how open Mic gives the place a certain tang?
Different kind of sweat, I guess.
I need a favor.
I need your stage Friday night.
Fifteen minutes. That's it.
You heard from Mandy?
Huh?
Oh. Yeah, once.
She, uh, wanted to borrow 100 bucks.
And?
[sighs] Picked a bad time.
- [scoffs] - You?
A few calls. Someone's there,
and then they hang up.
It could be her.
She'll find her way. Hell, we did.
Little late for a comeback, isn't it?
Jack Paar was a long time ago.
I just need a place to get seen.
My manager thinks he can get me Merv.
What about King Theodore's or the Troubadour?
Why would I go to those second-rate haunts
when you got the hottest joint on the strip?
That's all hacks and rock 'n' roll.
This is where the comedy's happening.
Look at this fuckin' place, on a Monday night, no less.
Snapped my fingers. It just fuckin' happened.
You know, a simple "go fuck yourself, Sid" would suffice.
For you.
You've come a long way, baby.
Hey.
You remember that, uh...
those shoes with the flapping heels?
Gave you 20 bucks to buy a new pair?
The ones you liked, remember?
- Espa... - Espadrilles.
Mm-hmm.
Lot of money in those days.
[laughter]
They were 17 bucks.
Extra 3 bucks went to lunch and nylons.
Let me think about it.
Be nice to go to bed and not stare at the ceiling at night,
you know?
Just think fast, okay?
[comic] A time traveler walked into a bar.
The bartender said,
"We don't serve time travelers here."
So, a time traveler walked into a bar.
You're funny.
Oh, thanks.
Toni Luddy.
Hi. Eddie Zeidel.
Ron Shack. Hi, did you catch my set?
Oh, no, sorry.
I just got here.
I think making people laugh is a gift.
Oh, you'd love my act, then.
I'm practically Santa Claus up there.
Like healing people.
I do this bit about how old people are always
ordering fish in restaurants.
Or giving incredible blowjobs.
That's pretty much my whole act.
You've been... it was nice to meet...
- [laughs] - I'm sorry.
I know that was beyond inappropriate.
If I'm being honest,
I feel like it would be counterintuitive
to agree with you right now.
[chuckling]
It's just comics aren't always great with subtlety,
and I wanted the chance to talk to you alone.
Right. Right.
Unless you'd rather talk to your friend.
Uh...
No, he's, uh...
I don't really like him that much.
That's some cold shit right there.
Fuck him.
[Cassie] It's like one minute
I'm on the schedule,
and then the next minute I'm off.
You wanted the main stage. You got the main stage.
Not that you're doing a whole hell of a lot with it.
Well, it would help if I could get up
before 1:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry. I know that's the drill,
but it's very hard to know what's working
when there's only ten people in the house.
Listen. I've been thinking about doing a ladies night,
in the Cellar.
Just female comics.
Give 'em a place of their own. Work out their stuff.
That sounds like two steps backwards.
Beats ten steps backwards out into the parking lot.
Look, sweetie, how many times do you think
I'm gonna watch you eat it on my main stage?
It'll do you good.
You'd never do this to the guys.
Please. My bra was in ashes
while you were still waiting for the tit fairy to show up,
so don't give me that women's lib spiel.
Honestly. I don't see what your beef is.
You get the time on the main stage
any new comic gets.
I want what every new guy comic gets,
which is a steady schedule and the occasional weekend.
At least on Friday night, 2 a.m.,
there still is a good crowd.
I tell you what.
You do ladies night in the Cellar,
I'll give you Friday, midnight, main stage.
Goldie, I don't want to be relegated
to a second-class night of comedy.
Because you belong with the guys.
Yes.
Because you're one of them now.
Yes.
Sweetie, just because they fart in front of you
doesn't make you one of the boys.
You're just the chick they don't want to fuck anymore.
♪ rock music ♪
♪ Uh! ♪
[woman on radio] Now just four days away
from the so-called
"Battle of the Sexes" tennis match,
wherein five-time Wimbledon champion Billie Jean King
will play Bobby Riggs,
the 55-year-old self-professed male chauvinist
and former U.S. junior champion.
But what's at stake here is potentially the future
of the women's liberation movement.
But if Billie Jean King can pull off the upset...
♪♪
[telephone ringing]
[sighs]
- Hello? - [Teddy] Yeah. Don't hang up.
Twenty bucks say all your calls start with that.
What do you want, Teddy?
[Teddy] I just want to make sure that me and you
are on the same page about something.
I doubt that, but go ahead.
There is talk that the comics are wanting to get paid.
I don't pay students.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
[Goldie] It's your free fuckin' finger sandwiches
that probably put the idea in their heads.
Finger sandwiches?
Oh, is that the inch?
I read once where an avalanche was caused by a single belch.
Listen, before you slam down the receiver...
um, your ex-husband was by here yesterday.
He's looking for a place to go up.
Show some producer on Merv he's still got it.
Yeah, so?
[Teddy] So I sent him your way.
I thought it was a little strange
he didn't come to you first,
but then I remembered I've met you.
[Teddy laughs]
Lighten up, Goldie.
Even fuckin' China throws us the odd panda
every once in a while.
[slams receiver]
The male is king. The male is supreme.
I've said it over and over again.
I still feel that way.
Girls play a nice game of tennis for girls.
But when they get out there on a court with a man,
even a tired old man at 55,
they're gonna be in big trouble.
I'm gonna go out there and play the Bobby Riggs style of game.
I know that I'm gonna play as well as I can play.
Hey! I talked to my manager.
He's bringing the Merv guy by on Friday night.
What time do you think I could go up?
- I said I'd think about it. - What's there to think about?
You put me up. I do my 15.
Cue "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."
I don't think Friday's gonna work out.
What do you mean? Hey, can you just stop?
I'm sorry.
Christ.
It wasn't all bad, was it, Gold?
Oh, we'll always have the shoes, right?
Took two to tango.
- 10 o'clock Friday. - Thank you. Thank you.
- And then you are gone. - You'll never see me again.
You won't even have to come to my funeral.
Oh, that's a shame.
Hate to miss out on all that great parking.
[laughs] Best 20 bucks I ever spent.
[Toni moaning loudly]
[screaming and yelling]
[yells]
Jesus fucking Christ.
[moaning continues]
I mean, how loud can you be?
That's, like, feedback from her vagina.
It's like Godzilla got his dick stuck in his...
fucking piece of shit!
Don't talk that way about your mom.
I can't believe Eddie's with Toni the Tiger.
What's the surprise? She's a chucklefucker.
She's a what? A chuckle...
Fucker. Groupies who only fuck comics?
Haven't you ever heard of a chucklefucker?
Sorry, no, this whole "women fucking comics" concept
is foreign to me.
[Arnie] Toni's notorious.
She's seen more comic dick than the Hollywood free clinic.
Good one.
[Maggie] That she's a chucklefucker
is not the issue.
It's that she's insane. That's the issue.
Chucklefuckers are a club staple.
Maggie's a chucklefucker.
- No, I'm not. - Okay.
In Maggie's defense, I've seen your act.
She's a "slightly amusing" fucker at best.
Oh, really?
Oh, I think I lost something.
It's... right there.
[moaning continues]
- Wait. No, no, no. Look. - Okay. Come on.
You know who he looks like?
Let me guess. Somebody not very flattering?
You look like if I shaved my nuts
and I left sideburns.
I stand charmingly corrected.
No, no, no. He look like the illegitimate baby
of the Penguin and Howdy Doody.
[laughter]
You look like a frustrated driver's ed teacher
who hits his wife when he drinks.
No.
My neighbor.
I didn't think you'd get it if I just said neighbor.
- I think Sully looks dashing. - Thank you.
Finally, the truth. There she is.
[Sully] Oh, my God. New waitress.
Show of hands. Who just went from zero to wood?
[Ralph] She got that new waitress smell.
[Sully] Ooh, that body. I think to be safe,
we should all have both of our hands up.
Uh, guys? There's a lady at the table.
You know, I don't think she can hear us.
[laughter]
At least Bill is being a gentleman.
Shut up, I'm masturbating.
[laughter]
[Ralph] Let's get her over. Excuse me? Sweetheart?
[Sully] Drop something so she bends over.
[laughter]
♪ light guitar music ♪
I was too loud, wasn't I?
It was like being in the front row of a Who concert.
[both laughing]
I like loud. Loud is good.
Hmm.
Do I have a fever?
Huh.
No. A little sweaty, maybe.
Why? Do you feel hot?
[baby voice] Are you sure widdle Toni
doesn't have a widdle fever?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Maybe Eddie should take Toni's tempweture.
[baby voice] But Eddie doesn't have a fermometer
to take Toni's tempweture with.
Eddie take baby tempweture now?
Wow. Okay.
Open your mouth and say "aah."
Baby way.
The what way?
Baby way.
[gurgling]
Uh...
What if we just assume that Toni has a tempweture
and give Toni some baby aspwin instead?
[infantile crying]
Okay. Okay, baby. Okay, baby.
No, no. No, no, no, baby.
Okay, baby! Baby way!
Baby way. Okay.
Hold on, let me get it.
[squeals]
[babbling and gurgling]
Why would he want a human?
Does that make sense to you?
[sighs] What?
Like, he's a fucking creature. Why would he want her?
That'd be like me swimming in a pond,
being like, "Hey, you know what?
I want to fuck fish now."
Seriously, shouldn't he be off, like,
screwing crocodiles or something?
- Where are you going? - Home.
What just happened?
I'm throwing myself at you, and you'd rather do five minutes
on an old horror movie than fuck me.
That's what just happened.
[Bill] Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry.
Some waitress walks by
in a uniform that doesn't show chin,
never mind cleavage, and you're all off to the races,
but here I am with my tits hanging out,
and you treat me like I'm fucking selling Amway.
Cass.
I fucked up. I was just kidding around, okay?
Seriously, I'm sorry. Please stay.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
It's just we have a place to ourselves
with your dad and sister in Santa Barbara
and I just
wanted to have a little fun.
You're right.
Why don't you sit and relax? I'll get us a couple of beers.
We'll turn off the set, and I can tell you all about
how my penis took gold in Munich.
- Okay. - Yeah?
Okay.
[farts]
[man on radio] Okay, this is Ken A. in the AM.
[Ron] The baby way?
Wait, what? The what way?
The baby way.
Like how babies have their temperatures taken.
- The bum. - Yes.
I'm having a hard time following this
yet am fully invested in the conversation.
I'm not kidding. I think she's fuckin' nuts.
What's the big deal?
So she likes to act like a baby during sex.
Short of a full diaper, I'm game.
- Who does that? - A chucklefucker.
What?
Okay, so apparently, out here in LA,
there are women who exclusively fuck comics,
and you, my friend, have got the doozy.
A chucklefucker?
I know.
So, what now?
I mean, she's coming over for dinner tonight.
Ugh. Dinner? Is that a good idea?
I mean, is she even eating solids yet?
It was the only way I could get her to leave,
was to promise her dinner.
I guess I could just break it off after, but...
She's so fuckin' hot.
[baby voice] Aww. Open up wide for the big aeroplane.
- I won't. - Come on.
- Stop. - You got to get big and stwong.
Seriously, stop. Please.
- No. Please. - Come on.
- Don't. Nope! Nope! - Hey, hey.
[laughing]
I want to make up for last night.
Good luck with that.
You might be singing a different tune
when I tell you that I got us into a party tonight
at the Riot House.
Led Zeppelin, Joe Walsh, and us.
It's gonna be fucking huge.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Do you forgive me?
Yes.
This is so much better than fucking you.
Anything's better than fucking me.
I know.
♪ upbeat music ♪
Fuckin' brat.
♪ Down around the corner ♪
♪ A half a mile from here ♪
♪ You see them old trains runnin' ♪
♪ And you watch 'em disappear ♪
♪ Without love ♪
♪♪
♪ Where would you be now ♪
♪ Without love ♪
I need to shorten the hem on this.
It's old.
Probably not even worth the effort, really,
but it's for a party tonight.
I don't even know if it looks good on me, to be honest.
What's your name?
Cassie.
Cassie, huh?
I'm gonna take this dress up like you ask,
but we're gonna pinch the waist
just a little,
and you know what's gonna happen when you walk into that party?
Every man is gonna have a heart attack
when he see such a pretty girl in this dress.
Yeah, yeah. Come. Come.
[Pryor talking indistinctly]
[Pryor] I'm like, "Boy, you better go wash that ass!"
- [laughing] - Goddamn!
[Pryor] Don't be walking around here with no dirty ass!
Ain't no fucking way.
Oh, shit.
[Pryor] Fucker, Willy Green was his name.
I remember from Peoria.
Goddamn. He was...
Here's one of our up-and-comers.
- Come on, baby. - Hey, how you doing?
Sorry to bother you, Mr... Mr. Pryor.
Adam Proteau. Nice to meet you.
Goddamn, boy.
You piss in your hand before offering it?
No, no, no. I didn't...
I didn't... didn't piss my...
This nigga about to pop out his skin.
[laughing]
Hey, I caught your open mike.
Very funny.
- Thank you. - Should I be worried?
You still got some time.
I'll see you later tonight.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks for the candy, mama.
You be careful with that sweet tooth.
So what you gonna do for six hours?
Visit a local hospital.
Give some inspirational speeches to some sick kids,
but only the white ones, because let's face it,
the black ones is fucked.
[laughing]
This nigga built to please.
[Barton] Well, be sure that your good works
still get you back here by 10:00 tonight.
- Watch out for this fool. - Yeah.
You got someplace to be?
- Nope. - Good.
Let's go get in some motherfuckin' trouble.
[Enrico] Whoever he is, he's not good enough.
You like?
Very much.
I feel so stupid.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
Really, it's beautiful.
[Enrico] Come.
[Enrico] Sit.
[operatic music plays on stereo]
♪♪
I know one thing and one thing only.
Beauty.
Yes?
You see?
I see.
[Enrico] I know.
[sniffing]
So what made you get into comedy?
You some GQ nigga interviewing me?
"So what made you get into comedy, Richard?
All the respectable porter jobs taken?"
No, no, no. That's not what I...
I'm just fuckin' with you, man.
Oh.
You need to relax a little, nigga.
Goddamn.
Give me a taste.
Your act, man. Come on, let's hear it.
Like here?
Why not?
Okay. Okay. I'll tell this story
about my dad barbecuing drunk, all right?
Now, everything that he made was potentially dangerous.
All right, so.
"Dad, I don't think my chicken's done.
It's really raw in the middle."
"Boy, ain't nobody ever died from eating raw chicken."
"Dad, people die all the time from eating raw chicken."
"Well, I'm talking about at this table!
"Why you got to bring the whole world into your argument?
"Why can't you just graciously lose
"and accept the fact that can't nobody at this table
say they ever died from eating my chicken."
"What about Aunt Lily, Dad?"
"Boy, read the damn coroner's report.
"It clearly states that it was my potato salad
what killed the bitch, not my chicken."
Right on.
Your daddy ever hit you?
You said your daddy drank.
He ever knock you upside your head after a few?
I mean, yeah, I guess.
"Yeah, I guess." How?
- Strap or the hands... - Why isn't that in there?
See, that's the silver lining to your daddy's strap.
Why are you dancing around it? Own that motherfucker!
Nigga got to be like Ali.
[sniffing]
- You know Ali? - Yeah, yeah...
"Float like a butterfly. Sting like a motherfucking bee."
See, that's the game, Jack.
This ain't no Bob Hope motherfucker.
- You feel me? - I Fe... I feel you.
They want that sting, man, that knockout punch.
They don't want to see a nigga dance.
This ain't some Cotton Club bullshit.
This is motherfuckin' comedy, man.
You got to hit 'em.
Then you hit 'em a-motherfuckin'-gain.
Got to keep hitting until the motherfucker goes down.
See, my daddy was a boxer, so I got the moves, man!
- You see this shit right here? - Yeah, I'm seeing it.
Damn motherfuckin' straight you seeing it.
[Pryor] Two more, please.
Hey.
You see that old nigga over there, holding court?
Everybody laughing?
Now, five will get you ten
he's talking about some bad motherfuckin' shit
happened to him in his life.
He sure as shit ain't talking about no grandkids
or some raise he got at work.
I mean, he's talking about some shit almost got him killed, man.
You dig?
The one fell off a year ago.
[laughter]
Well, how can you tell?
Shit.
Nigga, how can you not?
I'm sorry about the other night.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Why... you don't need to be... that's...
[laughs] I totally freaked you out.
Okay, well, maybe the extent of your preparedness
threw me a little.
What? You don't know other women
who carry around a baby thermometer with them?
I did not see that one coming, but then again, I'm new to LA.
[both laughing]
Your penis felt so good inside of me.
Thank you.
Watch your head.
Oh!
Is it cool if we play some music while I fuck your brains out?
Yeah.
Oh! I love this album.
[sighs]
♪ Harry Nilsson's "Coconut" playing ♪
♪♪
♪ Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime ♪
♪ His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime ♪
♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ She drank 'em both up ♪
♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ She drank 'em both up ♪
♪ She put the lime in the coconut ♪
[clanging and rattling]
♪ Doctor ♪
♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪
- ♪ I said ♪ - ♪ Doctor ♪
♪ To relieve this bellyache ♪
- ♪ I said ♪ - ♪ Doctor ♪
♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪
- ♪ I said ♪ - ♪ Doctor ♪
♪ To relieve this bellyache ♪
♪ Now, let me get this straight ♪
♪ You put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ You drank 'em both up ♪
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ You drank 'em both up ♪
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ You drank 'em both up ♪
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ You drink 'em both together ♪
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ Then you feel better ♪
[laughs nervously]
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ Drink 'em both up ♪
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
♪ Call me in the morning ♪
All right. Put the lime in the coconut.
♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪
- Okay. - ♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪
♪ I said whoo-whoo! ♪
♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪
I said... [groans]
♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪
I said... [yells]
♪ To relieve your bellyache ♪
I said... [screams]
All right. Hey!
[screams]
♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪
- ♪ I said ♪ - ♪ Doctor ♪
♪ Is there nothing I can take? ♪
[Toni screaming]
♪ Ain't there nothing I can take? ♪
[screaming]
Fuck. Fuck, fuck!
♪ Put the lime in the coconut ♪
Jesus Christ!
Fucking knock it off!
What the fuck?
♪ Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both up ♪
- ♪ Put the lime in the ♪ - [Eddie] Look, I'm sorry.
Can't we just do regular fucking?
Why do I keep doing this?
You okay?
Oh, fuck. I didn't hurt you, did I?
I'm sorry.
What did you expect me to do?
You were fuckin' choking me with your ankles.
I mean, can't you just... I don't know, just be normal?
Normal? Like you?
Well, compared to you, yeah!
Standing on a stage telling a room full of strangers
about all your fucked up shit, that's normal?
At least I have the balls to be who I am with the lights on.
All right. This is getting crazy, okay?
I'm really sorry if...
You get up on stage whenever possible,
and you beg for acceptance.
Well, here I am.
You got it.
So why can't I express myself, huh?
How about a little support for my being who I am?
Yeah, well, you know, when an audience
walks into a club, there's an understanding.
A pact.
If sticking your dick in my mouth
isn't a pact, then what is?
You know, I hate normal.
It's so small.
I can't get out of bed for normal anymore.
Hey.
[door creaks open]
Can I ask you something?
Yeah, sure.
Up there, you're all so open and vulnerable.
Is it always just bullshit?
It's not supposed to be.
It must be nice to find a place to roar.
Where everyone applauds instead of making you feel like a freak.
♪ upbeat rock music ♪
♪♪
[sniffing]
♪ So many times I've been a wave ♪
♪ Charging on a boat ♪
♪ So many times I've sold my soul ♪
You having a good time?
It's crazy in here, but yes.
Thank you.
You want to meet an albino that isn't Edgar Winter?
- Yes. - He's nice.
He reminds me of a rabbit I had as a kid.
Let me just go find the ladies room first, okay?
Okay.
♪ You're so good for me ♪
[Tess] Over here...
Turn off the lights.
Oh, my God.
Who did this to you?
Nobody.
Everybody.
Hey. Fuck off.
- Jesus. - What the fuck are you doing?
How much fucking acid did you take?
Hey, I'm trying to help you.
I don't want your help.
- I want to get fucked. - What is your damage?
Are you some kind of a band slut?
[Tess] Not a slut. A sacrifice.
A slut for the greater good.
[laughs]
Did somebody make you do this?
They're vampires, you know?
They need this. Me.
I fill their veins until who they are melts away
so that what they are shoots out their fingertips,
and from between their fangs
a tiny drop of me in every fucking song.
You have no idea what you're doing to yourself.
Yeah, I do.
Same as you. Just louder.
[rocker] Hey, great. I can handle two at once.
I'm the drummer.
Then what are you fuckin' here for, babe?
Bill. Bill.
- What's up? - I'm leaving.
What? Why? You don't go on until midnight.
You stay. I need to go.
What the fuck now?
Yeah, so that's why I stopped wiping my ass, you know?
I don't mind the itch.
[laughter]
[door slams]
[Pryor] If you don't know, you gonna find that out.
Oh, shit. There he is.
You ready?
A motherfucker was born ready.
Oh. Can I keep him?
Listen, why don't you go to the restroom
and wash yourself up?
- You're up in ten minutes. - All right.
[Adam] Richard motherfuckin' Pryor.
You know both our dads used to beat us?
And we both punched out our science teachers in high school?
What are the motherfucking odds?
- That shit cool, man. - So you think you know him now.
Hells, yeah. We talked and everything.
Nigga was raised in a brothel and shit.
Hey. Don't say that word.
That's his word, and you ain't him.
And who is you?
All serious and shit
like some type of vulture or somethin'.
Want me to tell you who that man is?
That man is a meteor.
Been floatin' out in space,
and he's been headin' this way for a long time,
and he's ready now.
He's entered Earth's atmosphere,
but what you're really seeing, Adam, is pieces of a man,
splintering, breaking off,
leaving a trail that is so bright
that you can't help but stare at it
and want to shield your eyes at the same time.
Okay, well, I ain't him, so who am I?
One man should never tell another man who he is.
My manager, Carl, says I can be the next Flip Wilson
if I'm smart and everything... that'd be my hook.
Mm.
We already got a Flip Wilson.
Now, why would your manager
say he wants you to be the next something you ain't?
Do you know why Richard Pryor is one of a kind?
Because he's not up there telling jokes.
He's talking to ghosts.
And the audience? Just witnesses.
Just like me. Just like you.
Let me ask you a question.
Your manager. He black?
Nope. What, are you saying he should be?
I'm saying your manager should get you gigs and that's it.
Shouldn't be trying to fit you into somebody else's box.
Your ghosts, baby.
Your ghosts. That's all you got.
♪ light ethereal music ♪
♪♪
The feminist thing. How important is that, Billie?
The women's movement is important to me,
as long as it stays practical,
and I think that the women's movement
is really making a better life for more people,
other than just women,
and I feel very strongly about it from that point of view.
- Hey, Cass. - Hey.
[reporter] What kind of strategy you might have going into this?
[Billie] Well, I've thought long and hard...
You've got to be shitting me.
[knocks on door]
What took you so long?
Why me?
There's a formidable entrance.
Pryor's going up.
Somebody had to be bumped, so why not you, huh?
There's plenty of guys going up.
Bump one of them.
It's just me and Boosler out there.
You got bumped because you're the most bump-able.
It's got nothing to do with whether you sit or stand.
You've got no idea what I'm trying to do up there.
It's something I share with your audience.
Well, the other comics do,
and they think it's pretty damn groundbreaking.
Oh, you mean the guys? They get you?
They don't get you.
They couldn't, even if they tried.
Yeah, well, they sure as hell seem to.
When I was a kid, there was a carnival.
Guy had a horse,
and he'd say to the horse, "Count to five,"
and the horse would dig at the ground five times.
He'd say three. The horse would dig three times.
Now, between us girls...
you really think that horse could count?
[Walter] So, about six months ago,
I was peer-pressured
into trying mushrooms for the first time, all right?
Yeah, and while I was tripping, all I could think was,
"Damn. White people keep all the fun shit to themselves."
Can I get a beer?
Just one.
[Walter] I told one of my homeboys I did 'shrooms.
He was like, "Yo, why would you do that?
That's white people shit."
I'm like, "Yeah, you know what else
is white people shit?
Not getting shot by the police."
[Walter] Ruling the world.
You've never seen one before?
[indistinct speech and laughter]
How's your love life, Eddie?
Enjoying your sloppy sixtieths?
Lighten up. I'm just fucking with you.
Yeah, no, I get it, Bill. You're a funny guy.
Not Midnight Special funny, but amusing.
What the fuck did you just say?
Hey, hey, hey, look, look, look.
Before you kick the shit out of my buddy...
Shut up, you fucking adult baby.
[Ron] Oh.
Oh, oh, we're giving out nicknames.
- Did you know that? - Mm-mm.
I didn't know that, I'm sorry, 'cause in that case,
a perfect one for you would be ginger-faced cunt.
Oh, is that right, motherfucker?
Yeah. Start monogramming your fucking towels, Bill.
GFC!
Just chill.
All right. Thank y'all so much. That's my time.
Keep it going for your host, Ralph.
[Ralph] Get over here.
You're up after this next comic.
Thanks, Gold. I so appreciate this.
[Ralph] All right, we got a special guest for y'all.
I mean, a real treat.
You have seen this motherfucker just about everywhere.
The man needs no introduction.
Give it up for Mr. Richard Pryor!
[cheers and applause]
Pryor?
Pryor's going up?
Do me a favor, Sid. Keep it tight.
[Pryor] Ralph Carnegie, ladies and gentlemen.
They named a hall after Ralph's pants.
I don't know if y'all know this,
but Ralph is black.
Ralph, you black, right?
Is the Pope a virgin?
How I know? I ain't smelled his dick.
Damn.
[Pryor] I'm sure it smell real pretty.
A lot of pretty white folks in here.
Lot of ugly ones too. Goddamn.
I ain't seen so many white folks in a long time.
I feel like I'm on auction.
Goldie, what you got me into here?
Hey. You're not going up?
Nope.
That fuckin' sucks.
Well, at least I'm getting bumped for the best.
Hey, hate to tell you, Cass,
but you're not getting bumped for Pryor.
You're getting bumped for that sweaty mess.
[laughs] It's fucking...
Got to put Ralph on auction too.
Except he's gonna cost twice as much
because he's twice as big and half as black.
[cheers and applause]
[rushing air]
Well, that's my time.
[crowd awws]
What y'all "aww" ing for?
Can't be up here all night. Nigga got shit to do.
What's the name of the next dude coming up?
Sid Robbins.
Sid Robb...
Ladies and gentlemen,
this next comic is white.
Three niggas in a row, and I guess Goldie thought
y'all needed a break from laughing.
[laughter]
I'm just playing.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sid Robbins.
[applause]
Richard Pryor, ladies and gentlemen!
[cheers and applause]
Keep it going!
So I was reading about the Supreme Court.
Did you guys see this?
It seems they have established
a narrower definition of pornography.
Local rather than national standards
for what is obscene.
Now, guys, hasn't it always been local?
And when I say local, I mean our bedrooms?
This doesn't change anything for us, right?
"I don't care if they do it in Florida and New Mexico
and Rhode Island.
You want that? You can move!"
My old lady is one piece of work.
Whenever I come home late,
she assumes it's because I was with another woman.
I say, "Honey. Honey.
You're crazy. It's only you.
And the three women you caught me with."
[scattered laughter]
I got a buddy. He's a Mormon.
Six wives.
In their bible,
it says on the seventh day God rested
and drank plenty of fluids.
Six wives, ladies and gentlemen.
That means six mother-in-laws, six anniversaries,
and six suicide notes.
No! Make that one suicide note.
"Dear Mary, Carol, Sue, Linda, Paula, and Allison,
I am writing this suicide note
because I haven't been feeling very well as of late,
and I don't think I can take it anymore!
I mean, the line to the bathroom alone!"
[scattered laughter]
♪ sparse, moody music ♪
♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
Thanks very much, guys. You've been great.
[light applause]
Got to admit.
You got me good, babe.
You wanted your time. You got your time.
[Goldie grunts]
You think there's some kind of poetry to all this?
♪ light guitar music ♪
[Schwartz] I admire the civil rights movement.
I don't know how they did it.
Could you imagine Jews rioting?
Oh, all that fire. The heat.
Throw a couple German Shepherds in there,
not exactly a thing we gravitate to.
[Adam] Hey. Hey, Carl.
Yeah. Yeah, it's me, Adam.
Look, you great and all, but we done.
Yeah. Yeah, like, done done.
No. No, you didn't do anything wrong, I mean,
Carl, you're great, and I owe you a lot,
but we just done, you know?
No, I'm not drunk. I'm... I'm not drunk.
I'm just... I'm just me, man.
♪♪
Hi.
[applause on TV]
[tennis balls bouncing]
♪ Anything you can do I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything better than you ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪ - ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪ - ♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can! ♪
♪ Anything you can be I can be greater ♪
♪ Sooner or later, I'm greater than you ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪ - ♪ Yes, I am ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪ - ♪ Yes, I am, yes, I am! ♪
♪ I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge ♪
♪ I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow ♪
♪ I can live on bread and cheese ♪
- ♪ And only on that? ♪ - ♪ Yes ♪
♪ So can a rat ♪
♪ Any note you can reach, I can go higher ♪
♪ I can sing anything higher than you ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪ - ♪ Yes, I can ♪
♪ Anything you can sing, I can sing sweeter ♪
♪ I can sing anything sweeter than you ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪ - ♪ Yes, I can ♪
♪ No, you can't, can't, can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can, can, can ♪